Based on the Legend and Story of “The Three Menehune of Aniahou”
Venturing through the forest
Skillfully using my tools
To collect my supplies
Looking,
Hearing, Waiting
To use my powers
To help people in need
However, never seen
Always staying hidden
Never wanting to be found
Or acknowledged
Fixing, Planting, Collecting
Many things to do
In such little time
However, working hard
To finish my duties by the morning
In the end,
Always doing what’s right
Even though I am small
I can make a difference
Hey Mikayla!
ReplyDeleteI like your ideas and how you compared yourself to the three menehune. I also like how you used the moral of the story and turned it into something that revolves you and your life and what you're feeling, if that makes sense. It's good that your showing and not telling and I like how you have a strong beginning. You start off with your setting and I think that's what really captures the reader's attention. For the 3rd line, I think you should take out the 'to' and have it just be 'collecting'. And for your 4th-6th, I think you should rearrange it a bit. Maybe you could have it like 'Looking, hearing. And waiting. So that you don't have different verbs on different lines. And lastly, I don't think it's really necessary to have 'however' in your poem to keep it simple. I really like your ending btw! Just some minor changes and you'll be good to go! (:
-Melissa :D
Hey hey Mikayla!
ReplyDeleteI don't really know the myth of the the three menehune, but I can see where you are getting at when you compare yourself to this myth. I like your poem but the flow of your poem could use some work. For example in the second stanza where it says " looking,hearing,waiting" maybe you should choose different evocative language that makes it a lot more flavorful, and not so bland. Though My first impression of your first stanza , was kind of awkward to me i don't why. It does not really catch my attention. Maybe change some words up a bit. Other than that your poem was good.
Good Luck, hope your poem turns out great!
Sierra
Hi Mikayla,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your first draft! You have highlighted some of the recognizable traits of the menehune: small, helpful, working at night.
What you need to do now is make them more specific (show that they are Hawaiian, for example...what details might help to do that?). The other revision is that you need to include more specifics from your own life, to show that you are like the menehune. Right now, your readers do not get much "evidence" of that part of the comparison.
mrs s