Sunday, August 14, 2011

Draft for Coming Of Age Essay


As the pilot landed the plane, I looked out the window and saw flat land, the scenery of Phoenix, Arizona.  As I step onto the airplane bridge walkway, I was ready for my volleyball trip.  It seemed just like a regular volleyball trip.  It felt like a regular volleyball trip but little did I know that I was taking the first step towards my future.

It was 6 o’clock in the morning when my alarm went off “BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!”  I kept saying to myself, “Come on get up and get ready”, but my body was telling me, “Five more minutes, five more minutes.”  As I slowly got up, I put on my clothes, do my hair, brush my teeth, and ate home made waffles with syrup, then went into the van. 

Ever since I was young, my mom would say, “So what colleges do you want to go to?”  Then I would think, “Why do I need to think about this stuff already it’s so far away?”  However it all changed, the moment I set foot, sore knee, and crutch on to the University of Arizona campus my first college, and my first campus tour.

As we arrived at Tucson, Arizona we also walked into the gates of University of Arizona or otherwise known as U of A.  I took one look at the campus and I didn’t know what to say.  My mom and I were dropped off at the Office of Admissions while my dad and brother went to park the car.  As we entered the room, I saw how enormous the room is and I thought to myself, “If the room is enormous, image how huge the campus is going to be.” 

I went up to the receptionist to check myself in for the campus tour.  The receptionist asked me “Name?”  I answered, “Domingo, Mikayla party of 4.”  She said, “Ok got you, just sit down in the room and the presentation will begin soon.”  As I made my way to a seat, I thought to myself, “Wow I actually did it.  I am now an adult and people actually respect me.”

As the presentation to start, I took one look around at the crowd and thought to myself, “I am not the only one looking at colleges and getting ready for my future.”  The power point was extremely informative and I thought to myself, “WOW!” that was all I could seem to think or say.  Next thing I know everyone is exiting the room for the tour of the campus. 

As I made my way through the campus and the tour guide is droning on and on about how you should go the school and what they have to offer.  I look around the campus and think to myself, “Oh my gosh, there is so many students that go here and it’s only summer school.”  As we head back to the Office of Admissions and take one last look at what could be my future. 

My dad and brother to and get to the van while my mom and I wait to be pick up when she asks me, “So what did you think of University of Arizona?”  Truthfully I say, “It is an amazing campus and I was really impressed by all the things they have to offer and how the university is math and science oriented.”  However I thought to myself, “It is nice and everything but it is completely scary and intimidating thinking that I am going to college and I am not ready for it yet.”

After about 15 minutes of waiting in complete silence, the van came and we headed back to the hotel.  I looked out the window as the sight of the university disappeared as we drove.  Then I started thinking to myself, “I want to go to college and I want to be an independent young lady.”  Then that scary thought about how college is going to be so intimidating with so many people there and I have to make all new friends, I told myself, “Sure I have to do all of those things but I am ready for it.”  Then I told my mom with confidence, “I am ready for whatever life brings me especially going to college.”  Then she replies, “Are you sure because you still have time?”  “Well I am sure.  Looking at the University of Arizona made me realize that I don’t have that much time left, maybe 3 to 4 years max and I am ready for next step after high school which is college.”

3 comments:

  1. Hey Mikayla,
    -Ideas: I really like how you didn't give away how you were coming to age until the ending. You made it very understandable.
    -Organization: I really liked how you didn't make your events in like a spread out order,it was very organized in chronological order.
    -Voice: I really like how you wrote on how you felt on coming to age at the end of your essay, saying that even though you have little time before college,your ready for the challenges that are to come.
    -Word Choice:I like how you gave show not tell phrases like "As I made my way to a seat, I thought to myself, “Wow I actually did it. I am now an adult and people actually respect me.” This really gave emotion to me on how you felt at the time.

    But overall the essay was very good,and I like how you left out the plane ride because it wouldn't have been relevant to the essay so good job!

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  2. This draft was a very good start about your coming of age. I liked the idea of the essay about college. It was organized in a way that made the essay smooth and easier to read. The voice on how you used to feel about going and how you feel now about going to college really showed. Though I think this draft was very good there can be adjustments to improve this essay. There were errors in a few of the paragraphs such as the first sentence in paragraph 8. Another thing you could do is to describe the college and how it looks. Other than that I thought that the essay was great and quoted in the right places.

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  3. HI Mikayla,
    As your teammates mention, you've done a clear job of telling about your college visitation. I agree with Christian that more details about the actual tour would help. I also recommend making the ending clearer. It first seems like you feel ready, then not, then ready. That could be the situation but it could be shown more directly and clearly.
    Lastly, watch the tense shifts. Your essay goes back and forth between present and past tense, which is incorrect and a little distracting in the reading.
    mrs s

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